Don’t Tell My Mom – Phuket Edition

22 09 2014

How this trip happened is pretty much a testament to our relationship. My boyfriend got 3 days off work and what do we decide to do? We decided to “Phuuuu-ket” (See, I made a funny you guize!) and book cheap flights out to Thailand. It was a decision we’re currently living with (broke as shit) but I had an amazing time, not only experiencing a new environment, new people, new tastes but experiencing it with him. I know how corny and vomitatious this all sounds but I can’t help it. I’m sorry world. I love my boyfriend and gratitude is the way to go. Blessed to have found someone who takes good care of me and makes me feel all variations of the word “happy”.

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Alright anyway, enough of the mushy stuff. Just like every other trip I’ve ever been on, I’d spent months (weeks in this case) being all excited about the things I’d do and never actually listing them down to actually remember them when I get there. Idiot. But the punk rockness of it all sometimes makes it worth being an idiot sometimes. We spent almost an entire day literally just walking in circles (and squares) around patong to look for a mall we never actually found. That place is a fucking maze I swear, but still so fucking amazing. We had the bright idea (actually just mine) of booking a hotel thats 45 minutes away from Patong beach so we spent quite abit just getting around. My bad but in my defense, the hotel I got was sick as fuck with a private pool and it’s literally about 8 minutes from the airport, so yeah, to say I wouldn’t do it again, I’d be lying. (Sorry Fuad)

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The first day in Phuket, we battled with the idea of even going to Patong, as the hotel had quoted us 900 Baht (SGD$35) for a taxi there. I’ve never been much of nightlife person so I wasn’t pushing for it. We went for lunch at a restaurant next door and had, the mandatory food choice, tom yum. Wasn’t quite what we expected but when they say it’s spicy, believe it. If you know me, you’d know my threshold for spice and I was sweating bullets. Deadly but pretty good. The texture is a little different form what we’re used to. I’m not quite sure if it was just this place that served it that thick or maybe that’s just really what tom yum is suppose to taste like. I’ll just go for the latter.

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Tom yum in thailand, ✓

While at the restaurant, we notice a chick who was quite friendly with the customers and even better, pretty fluent in English. Fuad decides to ask her how much would be reasonable for us to pay for a cab to patong. She looked like the type that would give us a legit answer, and indeed she did. She had a friend of hers who drove a cab and he’d go with whatever the meter would charge. So far, the best price we paid was that ride. Meter gave us roughly 650 baht (SGD$25). Saved a good $10! Lucky.

Upon arriving we were a little stump as to what we were gonna do. It was about 5pm and nothing much was really happening. The cabbie dropped us right in front of a mall. I don’t know about everyone else but being Singaporean, as convenient as they are, my major pet peeve on holiday – MALLS. I see them everywhere I turn here in Singapore. I wasn’t interested to explore another one of those in any country. Same shit, different currency. No thanks. The furthest we went was into the sports store because I was curious as to how much Vans were in the Thai market. About 2200 baht ($98) for a classic pair. A little more than what we pay here. Hmm.

We decided to just walk straight ahead and see what we’d find. It was a pretty glorious view and for the life of me cannot figure out why I didn’t just take my phone out and snap pictures. Idiot. I guess I’m just used to traveling with people who’d be the ones taking pictures a.k.a girls. I prefer to take moments, rather than everything in general because every second you’re spending snapping pictures, is a second you’re taking away from your experience. Also, for people who think like me, you’d end up with very few photo evidence of your trip. I don’t know. You can never actually win this hahaha

So I’m not sure how long we actually spent walking and contemplating doing stuff but in the end, after getting a little worn out, we decided to just do it. We decided to go to the red light district – bangla road. This is basically where it’s all at you guys. I insisted for us to get a tut tut and after agreeing to a guy, he tells us he’s going to drive us there in normal car. I wasn’t very happy but decided to just go with it. Already incredibly upset, the guy literally just takes us around the block, right back in front of the first mall we were dropped at. IDIOTS. I remember him quite aggressively (but still polite) asking us to quickly get out of the car. I guess he wasn’t legit. Oopsies. Scrambled out of there like a pantie-less Britney Spears out of a limo. Oh the burukness hahaha

So yeah, we were at Bangla road. I was against the idea when we were first planning this trip because come on now, who does this? Who’d voluntarily bring their boyfriend to look at girls, right? Well, this was one of those YOLO decisions I made there, because I was just incredibly curious about how these things were like. And who better to go with than someone who was obligated to behave and stay with me and not run away with one of the girls hahaha But my boyfriend was sweet about it. The moment we got there, he holds on to my hand tight and says “bangla road. hold on to girlfriend’s hand zone”. Hahahaha he did so throughout the night.

It was about 7pm and nothing was going to start until 10 so we decided to enter the first bar we saw that had a live band. So it was seemingly a rock bar so we were kinda expecting some Metallica, Maiden or Linkin Park even. But as the guy starts his rendition of Ronan Keating’s “When you say nothing at all”, we immediately knew our feelings kena cheated liou hahaha Pretty entertaining watching some sumpah tak cool Korean men dancing with their fanny packs still on. Hysterical. We stayed for a few beers or in my case, some “Alcopops” (literally just figured this out haha) and heading out of there.

The next bar we decided to go into was a Russian strip club. Well, this seemed like a great idea. Russians are hot and kinky, yeah? Well… The moment we went in there, we realized we were literally the only ones in there. At this point, it was literally my first ever time in a strip club and obviously, my expectations were between low to none. With this in mind, I can honestly say that shit was depressing as fuck. The girls on the bar were just literally walking around the poles. Not even doing it in any kind of sexy manner. And the drinks were so expensive. So we decided to bail and head to our next bar.

The next one we went into was interesting. Well, after the first one, anything would’ve been great imo haha I’ve always imagined these places to have a certain stench. Like a mixture of bodily fluids mixed with alcohol and smoke machine gas. I was expecting some vigorous bar top dancing. Some hair swinging. Some water guns. Well, I guess I wasn’t in a hollywood movie haha

Suzy Wong’s go go bar had no stench, no mysterious stains on the sofas, no hair swinging, no water guns. It was just about 4 topless girls on the main counter (one vagina out there), about 3 more on the corner counter (minah kohner), one of those vibrating exercise machines in the middle and some waitresses in cheongsams. It was a very small joint most would call intimate. I call it a little intimidating. Haha

So this lady approaches us with a menu and we go for our normal orders. The waitress – middle aged thai lady, hair in a bun, pretty suited to be a mama san, tries to start a conversation with us. I wasn’t quite sure what my stance was going to be. I went in with no game plan. What was I in there for exactly? I wasn’t quite sure. So I didn’t quite know how to interact with her. Well, also because I’m naturally awkward as fuck in any normal conversation so that didn’t help. So this waitress kept coming back to our table, I’m assuming for a business pitch every time, but every time, she just asks random questions. As she kept coming back, her hand slowly started going places as well. Not on my boyfriend of course. God forbid the kinds of hell that would’ve unleashed in that bar if this were the case hahaha Her hands went further and further up my leg. Waahhhhhh.

The entire time we were there, I was mainly just inspecting the details of the place, girls and guests. Curious. At first, seeing as how it was a sexual based joint, I looked at the obvious. These girls had tini tiny tits but the nipples, oh buddy were they out there. It got me thinking as to what kind of requirements were needed for girls to get a job here. What kind of personality? What kind of body? What kind of tits? Did it matter at all? I wondered if people get turned away by these places. You’re not pretty enough. Your nipples don’t stick out enough.

Then I started to inspect their facial expressions. I don’t know if I’m just great at reading people but I could easily pick out the ones that enjoyed what they did and those who just wanted the fuck out of there. Got me a little down to see some of the girls having to go on the vibrating machine in 16 inch heels. Just thinking about the soreness… ouch. The pain the jiggling motion was doing to their breasts. It was quite obvious, to me at least. The girls took shifts on the machine, changing at song intervals. Almost everyone of them would have a certain look, not many would notice, every time the song changes. The “ah shit” expression. My attention then went to the guests of the place. I watched an ang moh have a topless, titless chick bounce on him non-stop for just about our entire stay there. And we were there for awhile. I thought about the kinds of thoughts that were going through the girl’s head. I thought about what this ang moh’s wife was doing at home. Then I started to wonder what my boyfriend was thinking. I started wondering if he was also wondering what I was thinking. After awhile, I tired myself out and decided to stop. hahaha At this moment, I realized I was in a bar watching people get lap dances left, right and center but I was completely bored out of my mind.

We decided to bail shortly after, not before one last interaction with the mama san esk waitress. The last thing I remember was her hand on my left boob as she whispers in my ear “your boobs nice”. MMMMKAYYYBAAAAIIII.

I would’ve honestly just suggested to bail after that but one thing we still haven’t gotten to see was a ping pong show so we decided phuuuuuu-ket (I did it again yalls), we went into Exotica.

"Shouldn't we like, take pictures here in Patong?" *Click*

“Shouldn’t we like, take pictures here in Patong?” *Click*

This place was a lot more happening than Suzy Wong’s. The first thing I noticed was a decent sized bathtub embedded into the “stage” and immediately thought “ah ni buat hal”. This place is VERY orange, with mirrors all over the walls. Seats were on a platform so we were on the same level as the girls. There were about 6 of them, one for every corner of the room. These girls were significantly more smiley and had nicer tits too. We were approached by a waitress, much much less friendly than the previous. Not long after getting our drinks, diaaaa buuuuaatttt haaaall.

They started to set up balloons in strategic places around the poles and from there, Fuad and I took our guesses on which one the girls were going to be the ones to shoot ping pongs out of their vagina. And then she came. She was an older overweight lady, wearing what seemed like a cropped tank but is actually a tank top a little too small for her that her stomach bulges out, over running shorts. I chuckle to myself a little thinking about how much she resembled Mdm Teo, the hearing impaired instructor in my secondary school. The horror oh my goodness hahahaha

My boyfriend then turns to me and says “how disappointed would you be if it was her?”. “UPSET SIOL.” Shortly after, Mdm Teo (just for fucks, lets just go with this) lies down on the counter and we hear a pop sound. “What the fuck was that? I don’t see anything.” Much to our surprise/horror, Mdm Teo was indeed, shooting DARTS out of her fanny and popping balloons. Jesus. She comes to our side and calls out a young mat saleh guy up on the counter to hold a balloon to his crotch. He was drunk, he didn’t really care I’m assuming. Mdm Teo then steps 3 feet away, turns and bends over. POP.

Holy fucking shit dude.

Her second trick involved a whistle and well, you can let your imagination work this one.

Her last trick however, still haunts me today. She calls out young mat saleh’s friend. Other mat saleh was a little older but not any less drunk than mat saleh 1. Mdm Teo tells mat saleh 2 to sit in the tub. She reveals a small bucket of water with bananas in it. She peels it slowly, dips it in water, points to the banana, points to mat saleh 2, then points to her mouth. Even in this drunkard state, mat saleh 2 protested against this. The girls on the counter encouraged the crowd to cheer this guy on. He refuses, shakes his head profusely but obviously, Mdm Teo wouldn’t take no for an answer. After much persuasion, he hesitantly agrees and she proceeds to lie down, facing a mirror, lifts her legs in the air and easily inserts the banana into her vagina. From where we were, we could CLEARLY see every bit of her business from the reflection of the mirror. Dude, this chick is the real deal. She shoots them out with ease about 5 times and each time mat saleh 2 misses it. Possibly on purpose 5 out of 5 times hahahahaha

The rest of the night was a little bit of a blur. I remember a thai couple sitting to my right. They were pretty tamed until about 3 beers. Yep, 3 beers. The chick goes on top of him, starts grinding him right next to me. We were so close that I could feel every motion of this activity. I was a little drunk at this point and didn’t quite care much about what was going on with them. Not very long from when she started, I see the guy tap the girl on the shoulder, whispers to her left ear “honey I finished”. Bahahahahaha

So with things heating up in this joint, I got to a point of odd clarity. With so much sexual activity happening everywhere the whole night, I wondered why I was incapable of feeling anything remotely close to aroused. If anything, it got me more and more turned off. This was at the brink of tipsy. As the night progressed, I started to get more and more annoyed. I had enough and I just wanted out. I guess it was interesting and new in the beginning but it got old real quick. The drunker I got, the uglier people got. I may be the only one who may experience drunk goggles in reverse. It’s weird. Hahaha

We left at about 1am. It felt like we were there a lot longer than we actually were. On our way to find a taxi, we see an artist and decided to get ourselves drawn. He quotes us and we took a seat. I started to smile to the dude, ready for my picture but he doesn’t even look up. Did he memorize our face or? We sat there for about 5 minutes before realizing he was drawing another dude with a pornstache. We laughed it off and bailed. The guy calls us back and told us he wanted us to wait 10 mins apparently. Our normal selfs would’ve just sat back down but we wobbled off to find a taxi. My boyfriend remembering how upset I was earlier when we didn’t get a tut tut, got us just that for our ride back. So sweet. In the ride, visible quite tipsy, he’d once in a while lean over to kiss me and apologize if he had offended me in any way. How can I ever stay mad at this guy seriously. We spend the ride bobbing our heads to club music blasting from our tut tut and a special 2 song performance by my boyfriend, in portuguese Hahaha

Tut Tut ride home. Pretty fucking glorious

Tut Tut ride home. Pretty fucking glorious

45 minutes later, we were finally back at the resort. Went straight to sleep. As usually, my body reminded me the entire night why I shouldn’t drink so much. Almost every part of anatomy reacted violently through out the night but looking back, it was well worth it.

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