My Heart

1 02 2013

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Everyone has had someone in their life tell them this when you’re at your very worst. Surely, at that very point in time, even if you nod in agreement, letting them know you understand what they’re saying, all we actually want to do is punch this person in the face. We don’t truly believe it right away and unfortunately for some, they refuse to ever find their way to that moment in time where they stop to look at their life and say “Hey, if that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be here.” Honestly, I believe all of us are afraid to ever say certain things in life because we’re afraid to sound typical, or cheesy. I’m a cheeseball, so this blog is probably going to make you squirm a little bit.

Life is a journey. Every experience leads up to something else and with every bad thing that happens in this journey, we have to have faith that it had to happen to balance things out.

The most important part of a human life, to me, is the people in them. Who you surround yourself with defines who you are and who you want to be. Something I’ve been trying to pick up now is the act of gratitude, because not a lot of people focus much on the good things in their lives. When shit happens, our minds and mouths run constantly but when good things happen, most of us don’t take the time to truly be grateful for it happening. It’s not about religion, thanking God for everything, always. I’m not the most religious person on earth so I’m saying this generally for gratitude towards not who or what gave you life, rather the people that make you feel the way you do and the people who were part of the process of you becoming who you are, in specific times in your life. I believe God has a plan for everyone, but I also believe he leaves room for us to choose a path. It’s about the decisions we choose to make because at the end of the day, you are your own remote control.

That one great break up of 2012 – for the longest time, I never saw the silver lining of that event. If you were around me when I was in that relationship, you will know how much I loved this guy. He was the reason I smiled everyday for months. At certain points, I’d look at him, shaking my head in disbelief at how happy he made me and couldn’t believe it was happening to me. I was grateful, but I rarely showed it.  When that relationship ended, it felt like my life ended with it. I was devastated, angry and for months, consumed myself in those thoughts. It made no sense to me. Although the thought “things happen for a reason” registered in my brain as something true, I wholeheartedly did not believe it. Why was it necessary for me to open myself up to someone again after being shut down for so long, having faith, then seeing it crash right before me? I saw no lesson in it. I was angry at God for letting this be part of my journey AGAIN because I’ve been there before. It made me lose faith for a while.

Looking back, I only regret one thing – not showing gratitude when I needed to, because if I did, I would’ve seen the reasons why it happened. I would’ve seen the silver lining.

If you know me well enough, you’ll know my dream is to have my life be like the movies. I’m just really cheesy like that. I want my romantic life to be a Sandra Bullock movie (circa While You Were Sleeping) and everything else to be, not so much dramatic, rather surreal enough to talk about. My best friends made that dream come true on one of the toughest days of my life. The day Bear and I broke up, Lyn and Sya made their way to hangman’s corner (one of my favourite spots in my neighbourhood) with 2 tubs of Ben N Jerry’s ice cream and a giant pack of Toblerone chocolate and literally just sat for hours with me through my ugly crying. They listened and didn’t judge. Somewhere during that day as well, a beautiful cat came to hang out with us and I honestly believe it could sense my misery and it sat on my lap and gently started stroking it’s paws on my thighs. I look back on that day now not as the day I had my heart broken, rather as that beautiful day the universe sent me an obvious silver lining. Two days later, I went to visit my cousin and little baby niece. At one point, I laid on the bed with my niece, looking at the bedroom ceiling, thinking about him and I started to tear up. My 1 year old niece crawls and sits in front of me and started to stroke my hair. If you know Erisya, she does not do this often. She’s the most ganas child ever. I felt such incredibly sadness and joy at the same time.

There were so many beautiful signs of great things amidst that devastating period and thinking about it makes me want to cry bitch baby tears. There were so many people who took me out for cheer up meals, sat with me to let me talk/cry/make bad decisions. My parents, my brother, Zana, Shida, Afiqah, Dayana, Sarah, Bryant, Rex, Nadz. Most importantly, I hope my best friends know of how grateful I am to have them in my life. Lyn and Sya – You guys are truly my soul mates.  I love you both.

For the longest time, I’ve settled on that relationship being a lesson learnt. He was the first guy friend I’ve ever dated and that break up brought about a very messy situation amongst the group of friends we used to share. I didn’t just lose a great love, but also a dear friend. He told me during the break up that someday, I’ll understand why he did the things he did. I hated him for saying that. I hated him for giving up on us. I hated him for not calling on the days I’d look at my phone, praying he would.

Sometimes showing love is to walk away. I can honestly say that I loved him enough to truly let him go. When the person you love doesn’t want you around anymore, you honor that wish and you go away. That’s what I feel I did for him. After we decided it was truly the end of us, I didn’t call him, even on the days I really needed to talk to him. I didn’t cyber stalk him to death. I didn’t try to leech information from friends we have in common. I chose a path of grief because I knew I was going to end up there sooner or later.

I believe in soul mates, not in the way most people do. Bear was my soul mate, because he was a great part of my life once and changed the course of it. If it wasn’t for him, I might have never known I was capable of love again. If it weren’t for him, I would never be where I am right now.

That break up led to a job hunting rampage. I was so used to a certain routine. A job I hated with all my heart and when we were together, he was the only thing I had to look forward to every single day. It was extremely unfair for him to have that huge of a burden and I see that now. Everyday I’d hate to wake up but he was always the reason behind my first smile – his wonderful texts every morning. And I got through the day knowing that at the end of it, I could talk to him again. When it ended, and I had to go through that first day without him, it was just unbearable. It came to the point that I felt like I was never going to be okay again. The pain felt endless.

It was around at that time that Jersey Boys needed another dresser for the show and boy, was I lucky enough to have come across that advert. The description was for just a dresser, not specifying what it was for. I remember dressing models back in the day and how great of a job that was so I took a leap and went for it. I’m being overly melodramatic about this whole situation but my time with the Jersey Boys Company brought about a couple of months that showed me that it was possible to do something you love for money. Granted that I was in the wardrobe department and yes, I have close to zero interest in fashion but the theater business is amazing. Watching these people, live their dream and for me personally, not hating my job – it was refreshing to say the least. Being stuck in shit jobs these couple of years has discouraged me from looking for something greater than just the bare minimum. This job opened doors for my career and also, my heart, to dreaming again.

So thank you. I get it now.

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