Reasons Why Exes Cannot Be Friends Online

1 10 2012

Not putting an ex-boyfriend related blog on private for once because honestly, whether he sees this or not, I’m treating this post as a public apology to this person, for removing you from my internet life. This blog will explain everything and just in case it bothers you at all, just know it’s not because I completely hate you. This is all going to sound incredibly petty but that’s what the internet does to you. It causes you to sit and stare at a computer screen for 10 minutes, cursor hovering over a button and battling mentally with youself – follow or unfollow.

For the longest time since the break-up, I’ve been trying to be on a friendly basis with my ex. Having been friends before the relationship, it felt just awfully stupid to throw that all away because we couldn’t make things work between the 2 of us. The moment I deleted him somewhere, I felt like it’d create some sort of bitterness between us, and the relationships between the entire group would shatter to pieces. So I did what I felt was the right thing to do, for the sake of our friends.

So we had each other on 3 networking sites. Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr. Facebook, I’ve never been fond of. To be honest, if it weren’t for ECHO, that shit wouldn’t even exist. I use it for private messages and running a few fan pages. Other than that, that shit sucks.

My only favourite thing about facebook though, is the unsubscribe button. Did you know that you could still be friends with someone but not be able to see their updates on your newsfeed? Yeah, found a use for this the moment I saw my ex upload pictures of himself days after the break up, having fun without me. Jeez, the nerve….. hahaha

So then there’s the other 2 sites, which I use profusely on a daily basis. Twitter for my rants and Tumblr for my fandoms and general escape from life. He wasn’t active much on tumblr so I spent a significant amount of time there after the break up, because of his sudden outburst of tweets.

I’d try to be as normal as I can on twitter- my pre-heartbreak positive hippie persona. For a while, I couldn’t tell if my forced nonchalance was me trying to convince myself or him that I was okay but I stuck with it, hoping the worst would past and the things he said wouldn’t bother me. Believe me, I took A LOT of shots.

A week or two after we broke up, he started tweeting about his ex. This sent me on a downward spiral of a particular binge I’m not proud of. One time mistake – never ever ever ever ever again. After that, I felt like I hated him enough to possibly be able to get over this guy. But 3 months on, everything he said, regardless of it’s content, still bothered me. Okay, bothered would be too mild of a word. It made me downright upset. All these life updates, from a person I cared for so much once a upon time and all these information I knew about his life – what do I do with them now? Why do I need to know that he got a new phone? Why do I need to see pictures of his new cat? If he was sad, it made me upset that I couldn’t cheer him up. If he was happy, it’d upset me that he was fine without me. If he was complaining about work or life, I couldn’t promise him a hug to make him feel better. If he needed someone to talk to, I wasn’t the person he’d want to talk to.There was still the need to make sure he was doing okay – the everlasting dysfunction of giving a shit. So really, there was absolutely no value-add for me to have him around online because in my mind, we had each other, just to be polite.

To be honest, every time I scroll through my twitter timeline and see his name, my heart literally stops for those few seconds it takes for me to read the words typed by this person, and it starts beating again after I’m done. A part of me believes it’s because I’m always expecting to see him tweet about someone new. And every time it’s not, my heart feels like it can start beating again. I don’t know if it would if that one tweet finally came. For some reason, I felt like I needed to stay to witness and wait to see and let myself die inside.

Today I finally did something for myself. There’s a feeling of release and hollowness, evened out. I’ll get used to it, like how I’ve gotten used to everything else.

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