Ugly.

23 09 2012

Everyday, I try to keep a positive mind to everything I do. I make an active effort to treat people with respect, at times even when they’re not very nice to me. When someone talks shit about someone else, I never immediately assume they’re bad people, rather just a normal person, stuck with an unfortunate circumstance and therefore chose to react in a way which presents them in a bad light. See how much of a mouthful that statement is and how much effort it takes to actually generate those thoughts and gather them into a statement? Why do I do this? Because I choose to believe there’s good in everybody, and I always thought this to be true. However, when I think like this, I’m immediately creating an expectation. With expectation, comes the possibility of disappointment. No correction -INEVITABLE disappointment.

The more I begin to trust people, the more they seem to step on my head. I’m not saying there is no good left on this earth. There’s much to learn about everyone so it takes time to come to a conclusion of whether or not someone is trustworthy or has good intentions. Hell, my best friends are living proof. I’ve known them for close to 7 years and more or less have figured them out so yes, I can honestly say, they’re amazing friends and human beings, with good intentions and would never deliberately do something out of spite to hurt me. They’ve always been there through every single major event in my life, and right now, feel like the only 2 living humans outside of my family worth having around. I love you both, Sya and Lyn. Please always know this.

My heart breaks, every single time someone shows me not just an ugly personality trait, but how they let it overcome them and make it all they’re about. I have absolutely no respect for people who choose to use other people’s pain and struggle as a form of entertainment or attention for themselves. If you care for someone and want them around in your life, you don’t talk about the things this person has told you in confidence. Is this too much of an expectation though? Am I asking too much for someone to be a proper human being?

I confided in someone recently about the struggles I’ve been having back home, thinking this person was a genuine listening ear. It was a moment of weakness because I don’t normally talk about my family drama to a lot of people but this was someone I trusted. Today I was told she was using my pain and my struggles, as casual tea talk with everyone.

I don’t know how I have wronged her. I admit to not being a fantastic person myself and I have my faults but have I ever been that horrible to her, to deserve something like this? This may sound a little mellow dramatic but this concerns my family. 4 other people I may not be happy with 24/7 but would take a bullet for in a heartbeat. The actions of this one person has scarred the relationship I have with my family, for 5 seconds of internet attention. This kind of ugliness, I cannot comprehend.

I try to be a good person but it leaves me hurt, always. It hasn’t felt worth it in a while. They say no good deed goes unpunished – why do people make such an effort to prove this theory right when it’s much easier to live without unnecessary drama? I will never understand this.

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