I Hate Falling In Love

30 08 2012

I hate falling in love. The whole getting woozy and happy in the meantime bullshit. Fuck that. It was exhausting over analyzing, over-thinking, over-sharing, over reacting, over over over. It’s all so over dramatic, even when it’s not. The last time I had my heart broken, it took me 3 years to truly be happy again. THREE YEARS. That’s an eon.I spent most of it in denial because I just couldn’t let him go.  It felt so perfect. He was all I could talk about in school. He was the reason I wanted the day to last longer. He made me excited to start new days. I wrote songs about him. I’d shiver at how perfectly “Brighter Than Sunshine” by Aqualung had explained how I felt about him. He was the reason I smiled. It took me so long to get over him  because my mind was always set on trying to get him back and I thought maybe “somehow, someday the stars would align and we’d be together foreverrrr”. Hey I was a teenager, cut me some slack. Pining for him was more exhausting than anything else in my life. It took 1 year of “why is this happening to me?” and 1 year of  “I’m going to be depressed forever” and 1 year of bad decisions until I was capable of moving on with my life properly. When I say move on, I mean being able to talk or write about him without that sting in my chest.

There’s not a single bone in my body that doesn’t wish I was able to be a serial dater. To think of how much fun it could be, just jumping from dude to dude. I don’t mean this in a sexual term. I mean good clean fun eh, please. I tried being that person after M. I started talking to a few guys at once and thought, damn, maybe I could actually pull this off. But when it came down to it, I was really just too much of a chick to go any further than flirting excessively. Part of me felt bad for toying with these people and another part was absolutely terrified that I might actually fall for one of them. So it was always PG13. Nothing below the forehead.

After a while I got bored of the whole scene and decided to focus on something else. That’s truly when ECHO really became my whole life. Everything I ever did in my daily life was for ECHO. I worked to support ECHO. I stayed up late, reading for ECHO. I’d wake up at 4am in the morning if I got an email that was ECHO related. ECHO was the reason I smiled. For a whole 2 years, there was absolutely no real love interest in my life but I felt completely fulfilled having found my one true passion in life. I was in love with my work and my life felt complete. And just when I was kinda getting comfortable being back on my feet, I did it to myself again. Blame it on bad luck, but I was bored enough.

ECHO had been slowing down on shows and my mind didn’t have the distraction anymore so I did it. I went ahead and let a boy into my life. As far as misplaced affection goes, this went a little bit too far. It started out as something casual and it seemed harmless enough. Honestly did not mean for it to escalate as fast as it did but he became more than just a casual encounter. It felt so perfect. He was the reason I had wanted the days to last longer. He made me look forward to his good morning messages. I’d shiver at how perfectly “Terrified” by Katherine McPhee had explained how I felt about him. He was the reason I smiled. It felt different somehow. It was a strange feeling. Familiar but strange.

So now I’m right back to square one. I’ve taken it upon myself to speed up the grieving process. It wasn’t much of a physical adjustment because we didn’t go out together a lot. It’s not like I’ve ever really been completely dependent on a guy in my life. I can pay for my own shit, I want to buy my own stuff and I don’t need a guy to hold my hand throughout every social function I have to attend. So it was all about dealing with the insides. Spent a whole week for “why is this happening to me?”, another week of “I’m gonna depressed forever” and 1 week to make stupid, horrible decisions. Even found a rebound but I didn’t have the heart or energy to try that shit again. It didn’t quite take much to carry on with my life because a major difference is that I’m not  a teenager in school. I’m a grown adult, with a fucked up job, fucked up bills to pay for and fucked up family issues to deal with so really, it doesn’t take much for me to think of something more fucked up than a boy. So adult me decided to skip the most draining part of a broken heart. Creating drama – the pining, the tears, the awkward forced meet ups with the “maybe if he sees my face, he’ll miss me” intention. I went the civil route this time – nonchalance. It’s working so far. No bad feelings created equals no drama. No pining equals acceptance. No tears… well, okay. So I basically Frankenstein-ed everything I could and it’s working well for me. Mentally, I’m over it. I’m only realizing now that my pining for M was very much the distraction. Now it’s just bloody frustrating, the feeling of not wanting someone back but feeling depressed anyway and empty inside. They say if your mind is clear and positive, your heart will heal better. I really hope whoever said this isn’t full of shit.

This feeling of a gaping hole in my heart, like there’s a missing piece in my life was something I felt I had overcame a long time ago but he reminded me how it felt like to love and be loved that way. I’m having a hard time forgiving him for that. I miss feeling like what I have is enough. Maybe the feeling will come back again someday. I can only hope.

I hate falling in love because every time I do, a little part of me is taken away. I want to feel complete again.

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