14 05 2012

There has been a few situations in my life that’s made things a little, complicated. A word that can summarize my whole life right now is CONFLICTEDNo actual conflict with anyone, more with myself. It’s something I had suspected would stir some undesirable consequences and nasty vibes but I made a decision. It was clear and thought out but it was simply silly of me to think I had it all figured out. Nothing is ever that easy.

If only someone was aware of how hard I’m trying to have things be the way they are. Nothing had to change. I thought it was all up to me to make things as even as possible and leave no bumps to trip over – but that’s all that seems to be happening. Tripping. All over the place.

I’m not one for drama. I try my best to keep myself out of it, sometimes even if it’s my own life. When I’m upset with someone, I take a breather before anything. I’m not a fan of impulsive responses. If you know me well, you’ll know I don’t like to settle arguments on text, by phone or online. Hiding behind technology makes people bolder – sometimes stupid even.  If you had any kind of balls, you’d say that shit to someone’s face. So when shit goes down, I like to talk to people, civilly about things, like adults, in person. Nothing good ever comes out of saying dumb shit to upset the people you care about out of anger.

However, in certain situations, I tend to get over being angry or upset with someone before I have the chance to talk through it. My only fear is that the angst is not trashed away, but stashed instead, under a rug somewhere in my brain.

With that being said, this whole situation has also made me overly passive. In a simpler, yet more demeaning term, a push over. Because I don’t want to hurt other people, I let them hurt me. And that’s something I’ve struggled with forever.

Something that has been bothering me is that when I think so much for other people, I’ve had very little given back to me. The position I’m at right now, to simply put, just fucking sucks. I’m conflicted with myself because I cannot deal with the fact that I have these parties that, with no actual deliberate bad intentions, kick me down when I’m high. Like there’s a constant force that’s making me continually upset over this situation. When I’m not conflicted with one side, I have the other. It’s tough, juggling somewhat multiple sides of my life but I’m trying.

I don’t know if I want to take anymore. I also don’t know if I ever want to start shit either.

I just know I do not want to explode.




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