An Alternative Being

10 05 2011

When someone asks what my achievements in life are, my ideal response would be to lay out a bunch show fliers on the table. It’s what I feel like doing at every single job interview I’ve been to and every single time my parents sit me down for an intervention. I should be proud to say I’ve figured my path and I’m slowly craving it, in all sorts of direction, – all ultimately leading to one destination, but somehow typing that out just made me feel like the biggest loser on the planet.

• of or relating to behavior that is considered unconventional and is often seen as a challenge to traditional norms

People make it seem like all there is to life is love and “finding yourself”. They don’t talk about what happens next.
Most of what I call the best days of my life are imprinted on posters hanging on my wall. I don’t know if this sounds totally cool or ridiculously pathetic but music, bands and shows are what truly makes me happy in life. I have a crush and he’s a boy in a band. I have a job and it’s doing shows. The other job I have that makes me actual money makes me want to slit my own throat. It’s really not as bad as I make it sound. The job is simple, the people are nice and supposedly, all the seniors in that department never fail to say “So many people working here want to transfer to our department so consider yourselves lucky.” Yeah, if you want it, you can have it. I envy people who get thrills from getting a new job or whatnot, because I feel I’ve been incapable of feeling any excitement when it doesn’t involve shows or music. It’s a tough business. Most of the people in it don’t survive for very long and as of now, all I really got going for me is a great team and all the faith in the world. Sometimes it’s enough. Some days, like today, it isn’t.

If I could change this about myself, I would. It’s brought upon me more heartache than anything else in my life. The fact of the matter is, I’m different. The world looks a lot different through my eyes. My goals may appear to be small to you but it means everything to me. A few people in my life believe with all their hearts that this is a mistake and that in a few years, I’d grow up and realize this is all ridiculous and I should stop dreaming. Well yes, in a few years, if by chance you do see me in this position, congratulations, you were right. Also remember that in that very same moment, I have given up hope and a dream I’ve worked so hard to build. I can say now that I’m definitely on my way. If I keep learning and building, soon enough I’ll make it. I have faith.

If only the people I really want to believe in me did.

I thank God for my alternative mentality. It is what has brought me to where I am today. Unmarried and childless. For some odd reason, even this aspect of my life is being frowned upon. The rules have changed and it makes absolutely no sense. Somehow being traditional has become an alternative lifestyle. Okay, perhaps traditional wouldn’t be the right term seeing how back in the olden days, people get married very young, mostly by arranged marriage. Today, rarely do we have this worry of an arranged union. The old folks can merely just suggest a suitable mate but the kids, somewhere along the way developed the balls to say FUCK NO to manufactured love.

But when did freedom to marry get so out of control that people are having babies at 16 and getting married at 18 and it’s considered to not only be a norm but recently stamped as an ideal route? I don’t want to have kids or be married at an age where I’m suppose to be figuring out what I want to do with my life and work to achieve it. I’m young so I’m going to act my part.

So please, when you see me on the street, don’t ask me if I’m getting married next month, or how old my kid is. I don’t want to be in a relationship because I want to get married. Forgive the mushiness but I want to be in a relationship to fall in love with someone. It’s not about the destination, it’s the journey.

You may feel I’m naive for typing this blog, but I guess this is just another step I’m documenting for future me to look back upon and laugh, or maybe even inspire. I’m 22 years old and for the most part, I know what I want in life. I’ve known for awhile now and I’m happy about this – most times.

If you just step back and look at your life, it doesn’t really have to be so much drama. Haha




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