I’s a Born Quitter.

23 12 2010

This week has been one hell of a rollercoaster. I don’t know how I haven’t jumped off a bridge yet but yippie doo, I guess I made it through. So here’s the story. After a year without a full-time job, I was hired 3 times and employed for a whole 2 & a half days. Yep, this is real life.

To avoid popping up on google when you type out the production company’s name, I’ll rename them just for this post.

If you’ve read my last blog, you’ll know I interviewed at a job on Monday. Company Monday, offered a pretty standard monthly pay. Standard in Singapore anyways. $1,500 – $1, 800, 12 hour days. Company Monday were reeeeally nice people but they were too upfront with someone who wasn’t passionate enough to just let it go by. They said they’d call me before Christmas. I wasn’t going to hold my breath. I had mentioned ECHO Productions so many times in that interview, it felt more like I was interviewing for an article, rather than a job. On the way home from the interview, I had texted my bestfriend, telling her they were probably going to not hire me because I wasn’t convincing enough.

Monday night, I got a text from Joanna asking if I’d be interested to come down for an interview for Company Tuesday. I figured why the hell not. . $500, equally shitty hours but I had friends in this company.

They had initially scheduled the interview at 3pm but because Sya & Jo needed me to settle some show stuff, Jo rescheduled it to 4pm. The actual interview began at 5pm. I started work at 6pm.

Day 1, I was pretty stoked to start my new job. I had mentally planned my work in my brain and had jotted down ideas in my notebook.

That night, was a shitty sleep. Got up every 2 hours. Did not know what the hell was going on but just felt wrong all over the place.

Day 2, on my way to work with Sya, I aired out my opinions on this job. Didn’t think much of it when I agreed to take it up but breaking it down verbally, why not became a WTF EVEN?! How was I going to survive on $500 a month?! Is this including CPF? The amount of doubts was suddenly endless. Decided it was too late to give up and to stick by it since I had already started.

During the morning meeting with the Executive Producers, my phone rings. Company Monday.

-insert stress-

Did not answer the call but everytime the EP would point my direction and say,: “you do this this this and this”, I felt my heart going closer and closer to my asshole (again, let’s pretend that made sense). I was so stressed out, functioning like a human being was out of the question. I had wanted to scream, cry, and jump off the damn building.

Decided to tell E.P the truth and just go for the obvious and better option. Felt like the biggest jackass for letting everyone down. Got the job I had first wanted but didn’t feel anything resembling joy or accomplishment. It was all shitty.

Got home and threw myself in between my parents on their bed. I had so badly wanted my dad to say “everything will be okay”. Instead, he says “told you so.” I had wanted so badly to be 5 again. But no, I’m 21 years old. This is going to be the rest of my life.

The next morning, I was scheduled to sign my life away the contract for Company Monday. Got told of our situation. What kind of daughter would I be if I picked something I didn’t even believe in over my own family? It was Company You-Will-Not-See-Your-Family over Company Blood-Is-Thicker-Than-Water. Guess who won?

The me fresh from the Soon Yong experience would’ve been so mad, but today, I felt nothing. Decisions had to be made and I made them but at the end of it, I didn’t win anything. Just a whole lot of nothing. Slowly but surely, I’m beginning to feel empty again.

Speaking from the heart, out of all the 3 jobs I got this week, I despise all 3 of them. Mainly just because I feel I have better things to do with my time and bigger things for my life. However realistically, who the hell ,with the exception of the people with silver spoons up their asses, can really do what they want and be truly happy when you’re born in this hellhole we call a country?

We settle. That’s life. Deal with it.

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