Listless Night Sand Vigilante

12 07 2010

Alarm set, fan directly in my face, QJ by my side, almost completely submerged in fluff, and running out of things to Google, I find myself still wide awake. Tired. Hurt. It’s the same every night since.. I can’t even remember when.

I admire people who have the ability to switch off their brains as and when ever they like. Especially when the lights go out. There is not a moment in daylight that I can doze off mentally from people, conversations, responsibilities but when the sun sets and my only left obligation is to just put it all to rest, I’m twitching, tossing and turning. This is much to the dismay of the sister that occupies top bunk of our comfy but most of the time just plan old shitty double decker bed. We paid $188 for this piece of shit that has managed to last us almost 3 years without completely falling apart. I look forward to the day when my sister jumps on her bed while I’m on mine and it comes crashing down. Now that’s when the parallels of reality and wishful thinking meet and fall in love.

My sister hates me for some reason. I can’t recall the cause of it all but the day she stopped speaking to me was the day we saw that Karate Kid movie. I honest to God, to this very day don’t even know what I did but the whole adult sulking thing got on my nerves. It brought me back to a time I’d rather forget. Adults sulking. I don’t get it. My refusal to give a shit got us here. Sisters, who haven’t spoken a word to each other for more than a month. I just got tired of taking blame for things I didn’t do. Because at the end of the day, I’m always the one that speaks first, which in basic manner to adult sulkers, is giving in. Apologizing. Well, it’s just become too much fucking work.

I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Giving up. Being listless. These days, most of my plans are made for me. I get up in the morning to wash the dishes before my mom starts to yell. If it weren’t for the people in my life, I’d be rotting in bed all day. So I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful I don’t have fungi growing under my armpits.

To be honest, the reason I’ve almost completely stopped trying at most things is that I don’t feel like there’s much of my life left to live. I feel like my expiration date is due and everything happening right now is spoiled life. What is my purpose?

These are the things going on in my head when I’m trying to fall asleep. I think about the productive things I did on that day. The things that made me laugh. The people that made me sad. The perfect boy. I think about the jobs I’ve applied for and imagine myself doing the things that job required. I think about my family. My friends. And these thoughts all seem to keep me awake. They don’t put me at ease. Mediocre as compared to the thoughts I have about the thing that shuts down my thoughts. Most times, the moment I fall asleep is when I think about this life I’m living and what it would be like without me. Then I’d dream about it. Dream about the tears and heartache it’d bring. I don’t really think people would lose much from not having me around. I’m not as ignorant as to think no one would notice my departure. A lot of people will know. A few will feel something about it but the hurt and/or sadness would just be for a change. It’s scary at first but people learn to deal with it sooner or later. It’s just the thought of an empty seat in a house. An empty bed. A lot of stuff that no longer belongs. I’m an entity that fills a void in physical space and memory. Not heart. Never heart. But just the thought of all this pain being bestowed upon people I genuinely give a shit about pulls me out of my dream and back into this crowded but empty shell.

My purpose. An entity, filling a void in physical space and memory, trying not to disappoint or hurt. I guess that’s enough of a reason to keep doing this.

Shut up and live.

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