The Aftermath: Picking Up The Pieces

19 12 2009

Status Report: Hello Square One.

This feels like a big pile of acidic piss on shit.

I come from a family of debts. Since the day I was born, we were already living life by negative thousands and thousands of dollars. Knee deep in shit basically.  My parents are terrible with money and so am I. My “emergency stash” doesn’t ever last more than 2 months because of my many many emergencies.

So as a personal vow to myself, I’ve made it a point to never owe anyone money. Even if it’s $1, it gives me a stinking fucking feeling every single day i live without returning it. (unless of course i completely and utterly forget about a debt. it happens…?)

So I started working at a place I shall not name for the following reasons

1) people I care about already know
2) I don’t want this to reflect a bad image of the company because I actually like the people there.

Sya, Hanis and I started out working there because we were all basically lost and didn’t have anywhere else to turn and no one to entertain our little ambitions and dreams. It felt like the right thing to do at the time because they were so supportive of everything we had in mind and were 100% behind us. We were nomads but enjoyed being all over the place because we were doing something we all loved. We were becoming the independent people we wanted to be. Running on practically nothing, but giving it our everything.

2 months later, still nothing. I would be fine if it was just my parents yelling at me every single day to get a job worthy of my efforts. I would be fine if it was just all my friends being upset with me because I had all these company secrets to keep. I would have been fine living another few months with very little, just enough to survive. Scraps. I would have tried to get through all those if I knew for a fact I was pushing for something I felt was worth pushing for. Unfortunately, the opportunity seized was mistaken for something it wasn’t, from the very start.

There is really no one to blame in this scenario. I had my head in clouds and didn’t see the bigger picture. The fine print read everything that I didn’t want to do but I based my decision on a tiny portion that looked intriguing and went ahead with it. I was desperate. That’s what we humans love to do in desperate situations anyway right? Ignore the tough parts and skip to the happy ending even if we know they don’t really exist. Reality is cruel. I’m having a tough time giving in to that and slowly learning that the faster I get my head set to “Life Sucks And Then You Die” mode, the more productive I will be.

Well now, the aftermath is a wreck. I’m picking up the pieces. I’ve gone on debtless for 20 years and today, I owe. You know how it is when you let something go, you supposedly leave everything behind and get to start off with a clean slate? The only thing you have is fear for the unknown and past memories you can either keep close to you always or shove at the back of the closet. Well, who would’ve thought? Getting out of a job not only penniless, but owing them money? Sigh-age 101!!

I miss it sometimes you know… living the dream. I would do it all over again irregardless of everything that’s happened. We all learned how to be independent and learn things on our own. It was like a short college course that was free and your lecturer was yourself and the people in your team. I miss it, but I wouldn’t go back.

I’ve been putting a lot of energy into ECHO these days, instead of looking for a real job to pay off the debts. It’s procrastination at its best. At least I’m being productive. Ever since I synchronized my mobile to the wireless at home, it’s constantly in my hands. I reply emails right away and I’m pretty efficient, most times. I like this me. It’s not very Lyds. These projects are all I can think about really. Pay this, pay that, contact this person, contact that person.

I have this one thing that’s my baby. My own creation. My hardwork. And I can confidently say I am completely obsessed with making it. It’s a drive. It’s a longing. Either way, SCREW IT, it’s either do or die. If this fails, I can finally blame someone.

I’ve died many times this year. I have plans on resuscitating this part of myself in 2010.





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