Hi, I ordered a backbone, not this mess.

8 10 2009

Status                               : Pending Clearance
Origin of mess                   : Forgotten
Expected Date of Expiry     :
Tentative

I guess things pile up when you put them aside. Eventually, spring cleaning is required. How do I clear this mess? I created this clusterfuck but the causes of effect have gone and lead lives and created babies of messes for some other people. I need a baby daddy for my mess. I need someone to blame.

I have so many things to be frustrated about. I am beyond pissed at everything and everyone about something. There’s always something. Gone are the times of minimum anything. I used to be a push under the rug type of gal. Past is past gal. Free and easy gal. Whatever bitch, your drama ain’t mine gal. What you say means very little to me gal. Untouchable. Very little bothered me. Or rather, I was okay with being bothered by something. I could take it.

I miss that chick.

Something I was so sure about has now become the one thing I’m doubting most. I’m at a high point at the lowest point in my life. Whatever that means, it’s just not very nice. Is this how people with backbones feel? Do I run and hide like I always do or do I kick and scream to achieve something, at the cost of losing so many things. Are we SUPPOSE to be messy in life? I doubt it. Or maybe I’m just inexperience. I wish someone would give me a medal for stepping out. If only someone had even noticed this, rather than the little changes I’ve made in speech or actions. Why are people so transparent and why do they assume others are too? Just because I don’t speak out all the time, doesn’t mean I’ve never had an opinion. I guess that’s how you lose. You say what you think and you mean it. We all hate each other for it. I’m ashamed to have been accepted into this society where everyone’s wrong but you. I would so love to quote a song right now but then i’d just be transparent. What little personification I have left I will savor.

At the end of the day, we’ll all mirror the people we hate. That’s how it is. Deal. At the end of the day, we’re all just power hunger, greedy little bitches undeserving of the life we have.

Fuck, I want to go back to being ignorant. Want to go to there.

You know, I started this blog quoting a Meg & Dia song. “I’ve got my words. I hope they hurt you. I hope they scar you. I hope they heal you.”. A blog solely for  blaming each and everyone in my life for everything. Things I would never say in your face. Things I meant, but would never mean again.

Ctrl + Z is not only a rewind button, it erases angst and saves relationships.

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