The Worst Of Yourself

10 06 2009
Paradox Personified.

Do you ever feel like you’ve become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora’s Box of all secret hateful parts — your arrogance, your spite, your condescension — has sprung open. Someone provokes you and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them. – Joe Fox

I think I understand what Tom Hanks, or rather the character he plays in You’ve Got Mail, means. I’ve become Miss Nasty. And I don’t like this new thing about myself. I’m not a patient listener, I’m an advise blurt-er. Nothing good comes out of this. I’m being very mean to people I have nothing against and it’s become very scary to live in this body. I don’t think through things, I go ahead and do them. I used to be so nice. It shows on my skin even.

I’ve lost friends. One good guy comes in mind right at this moment. He was one person I could go to for an intelligent conversation. But I said something hurtful to him. And now, he seems to not care so much. Well, not care at all rather. I haven’t spoken to him in months. I wish I could say I’m sorry but I’m sure he has forgotten all about it. I’m sure he has forgotten all about me.

So, how do I go back? Back to the person who wasn’t so shallow. Someone who knew to keep her mouth shut rather than rant like a train and regret it later. I’d rather be that person that lays in bed at night pondering over things she SHOULD HAVE said rather than things she wished she hadn’t. šŸ˜¦

Shitty Shannigans.
Lyds – 9:56pm

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