Protected: All The Ways You Try To Hurt Me

10 10 2017

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When You’re Not “The One”

18 09 2017

You know that feeling? Like being on a team with someone. One of the greatest feelings you could have.  Like whatever happened in life, you had this person to have your back no matter what. A bond you feel is unbreakable.  It’s like living in a bubble where bad things are foggy. No one can hurt you. You and this person, against the world.

I had this person. At least I thought I did. I was oblivious to it but that bubble popped. For him anyway. Apparently it was that way for awhile but I was on such a high, I never noticed it. That feeling when your “bubble person” tells you they’re out. Damn.

It was short, the way he did it. It didn’t look like he put much thought to it. I was blindsided. I felt betrayed. Devastated. This can’t be him. We’re a team. He can’t possibly be the one doing the hurting when he’s the one who’s suppose to be protecting me from it. All these things he felt was wrong with our bubble, I never knew. He never talked to me. That was probably the most hurtful thing in the world. We told each other everything. From the dumb things people around us do and say, to the amounts of dumps we took that day. Everything. But he chose to keep this to himself. All these things that were so important for us. I felt like I was seeing fireworks where he saw no sparks.

The saddest thing of all is the fact that this was the most reasonable and responsible thing I’ve ever seen Fuad do. To be honest, I’m incredibly proud of him. The things he said were things I’ve thought and cried about then put a pin in. Whatever I couldn’t stand to keep thinking about because it hurt too much. The thing I avoided selfishly for so long because I so badly didn’t want to lose him. Reality. 

Over all of that were the very real problems we had.

Today is day 2 of our break up and just like my last one, I looked for things to feel sad about. I packed all our travel photos, gifts and notes in a box but of course not before crying over them. Over all the good times and the good things he has done for me. There were a lot. I read old blog posts on this page about how happy he made me. How I saw him as the one I’m going to end up with. Seeing all the posts on this page about Fuad really just churns my stomach.  While writing this, I got overwhelmed with sadness so I decided to put it to draft. From there, I saw a post I drafted 2 years ago called “The Long Haul”.

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I remember writing this thinking it’d be another sweet post about him but after a few paragraphs, I think the reality of it made me upset so I drafted it and never got around to finishing it.

Here’s some parts of it.

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When they realise you’re not “the one”, there is really nothing you can say or do. Just hope and pray someone will say that to you one day and stay true to those words, for the long haul. Although the original post was suppose to end something like “no matter how things get, we’ll always have each other.”, I guess I really did manage to finish that blog post after all. But hey, I guess things just don’t always go the way you plan.

Goodbye meng. I love you so much. You were my person. The one I wanted to share everything with. I’m sorry for not being better. I wish I was. My heart is broken. You were an amazing boyfriend and bestfriend. The guy I could be my true self with. I will be forever grateful for everything you’ve done for me. For being there during the worst time in my life. For accepting me at my worst. My favourite travel and nap buddy. The first guy to ever buy me flowers. The laughs, kisses and hugs. Thank you for all of that. I’m sorry for being so selfish for so long.  I hope you find your voor eeuwig en altijd.

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P/S: You are worth way more than 51% equity. 

I Am Tired

3 10 2016

There were days where things would just fall right into place.Stressing over things before I really need to; fixing things that aren’t broken. I’ve always trained my brain to do as such. It’s the worst habit I have. Somehow, my fears didn’t manifest itself. I’ve been lucky but never ungrateful. I show gratitude to the universe, thank my lucky stars every time.

But when the strong winds bring about the dark clouds, I’m never truly prepared. No matter how I worry things to death, it still hits me like a brick. They all come about at once. All my petty little problems manifests itself into something bigger.

I think about doing things. Very bad things.

How can I say forever and always all this time but within a day, think maybe otherwise. Within an instant with no warning my brain tells me to just quit. Did I lie to myself? Is that possible? Maybe I’ve kept resentment in my heart and today was the day it was at its brink. It just shuts off.

Worst of it all is I feel no sadness. I feel no anger. I just feel… tired.

Just. Very tired.


28 05 2016

Part 1: The Sad Lonely Right Swiper

Oh yes. As embarrassing as it is, I’ve come to terms with being the modern day cliché and have chosen to accept my title of Tinderella. It just sounds so damn dumb to say out loud to people who ask how I met my current beau but I’m not down for lying about it either. I’m not ashamed of finding love with an amazing man I adore dearly but still, it is pretty fucking embarrassing. No one ever really goes on Tinder to find the love of their life. For me, it was an unhealthy pastime more than anything. Seeing these guys who were totally out of my league swipe right on my face… well, it was a thrill. It really sucked though when you actually start a conversation with some of them and they turn out to either be sexual deviants or real dumb fucks. I’d spend some nights swiping away then out of nowhere, I’m overwhelmed by toxic thoughts, reeling through my brain like a plague. Why am I doing this? What am I looking for? Am I just so pathetic that I can’t find a date outside of the internet? I’m such an ugly piece of crap. Optimistic that life will turn around, I’d delete the app, leaving people like:

  1. 1) Dumb fuck Paul who texts me “drinks?” every other night, hoping I’d look over the fact that he’s a 32 year old man who didn’t know the meaning of “procrastinate”.
  2. Dolphin trainer Garrett who’s actually at an oil refinery but wanted to sound impressive so he made that part up to see what my reaction would be. It was “haha.”. Note the full stop.
  3. Jackass Johari the aspiring film maker who made me watch an 8 minute piece of shit commercial he made on iMovie and seriously thought I would be all “HERE’S MY VAGINA!” after seeing it. I asked him once, to be polite, about what he was working on at the time and his response was “I can’t tell you that! It’s top secret! I can only tell you when I release it. I’ll link you when it’s done.” Yeah… Please no.
  4. Hung like a hamster tom, dick and harry. That guy that seems nice for the first hour or so before asking for weird sexual favours. Basically every other guy on Tinder.

*I may have messed up the names of these lads but please believe me when I say that these stories are literally too stupid to make up. *

I can say I deleted the app about 5 times.
Part 2: That Sappy Shit No One Wants To Read But Here It Is

 It was around May of 2014 that Fuad and I swiped the hell out of each other. I was working the Aussie production of Grease at the time and swinging the Sandy role, which was a cake walk in terms of timing. I had quite a bit of free time between changes because my Sandy wasn’t clingy and enjoyed time to relax on her own. Goddamn I miss it. Grease was one of my favourite productions to work on. Go to girl for both Rizzo and Sandy? Childhood made.

Anyway as I said, I had a lot of free time before and during the show so I chatted up this charming bloke on Tinder. His profile picture was of him at a poker table and his bio, I remember was funny as fuck. I wish I had a screencap of that shit. His opening line was “Tell me something “inetresting” about yourself.” I made fun of his typo and that was it. I’ve told him a couple of times that if he hadn’t made that spelling error, I probably wouldn’t have replied. It wasn’t something I usually would respond to. Luckily he did. I remember just being so amazed at how intelligent and COHERENT this malay guy was that I actually had to ask whether he was local or not. (Not to piss on ALL malay guys but you have to admit, some of your bros are either loco or dumb as a nail.) I vaguely remember our conversations to be long thought out paragraphs on the tinder app. It didn’t take long for me to know I really liked this guy. He was witty, caught on sarcasm well (which was very important to me in my dark humor phase at that time), and sweet. He gave out his number a few days after talking all day and night. Another moment I thought about ditching everything was the first few words he said to me on Whatsapp. I said something along the lines of “Hi, Lydia here J” and he responded with the most Mat thing possible. “Sape sial Lydia”. I remember being genuinely angry by this response because 1) there was an actual possibility this guy had given me a bogus number 2) How immature is this if it really is him. It’s humiliating enough to have to be the one to text first 3) THIS was what I was getting myself into?!

Somehow, I had forgiven him for that. We talked everyday since about god knows what (this is me being bitter that we both accidentally got our whatsapps wiped out of all these memories) and about 2 weeks in, we started to talk about the meet up. I have never met anyone off the internet before. It seems a little absurd and unreal that a person can come off the internet and not be catfish. Like is it even possible?

I had gotten to know a guy online once before and he happened to be in the death metal scene too at that point. We had talked via text for over a year and never met. I never intended to meet him, ever. I knew this but I gave him the hope anyway. Like I wanted to see how long I could drag it out before he gave up. We ended up attending the same gig one year because HELLO there’s only one Deathfest here wtf. He saw me, called out to me and I pretended not to hear him and ran for my life. To this day I still don’t know why I did that but he’s married with a kid now so it’s all good yeah? I was young. I like/needed the attention. Please don’t hate me, I’m sorry I’m an asshole (title of my memoir).

Anyway, I was tempted to do it again. I genuinely enjoyed talking to this guy. I was so afraid he would take one look at me and bolt. What if he hadn’t figured out that I’m a fatty? Are my pictures catfishy? We set a date. It was sometime in June so my brain tells myself that’s a month away and more than enough time to lose about 10 kg. RIGHT? No? Oh.

25th May 2014 – He texts me asking what I was up to the day after. Guy wastes no time. Before I could overthink it, I immediately agreed to it. Even with all the insecurities I was feeling at that point, I knew I just really wanted to go out with this guy. YOLO amairite?! Oh I’m too old for that shit? Okay.

26th May 2014 – We scheduled for 2pm at Botanic Gardens Mrt. I had randomly pointed out a train station with my eyes shut and for some reason he went with it. Knowing him now, I can hear him swearing me out in his head for this hahahaha I was so incredibly early that I decided to sit at Caldecott mrt and wait for him to arrive first so I wouldn’t seem so desperate and pathetic. A girl shouldn’t arrive first right? My hands and face were shaking uncontrollably. I honestly haaaaated that feeling. It was full blown anxiety. We finally locked eyes and I wish I could say the nervousness ended there but nope. We were both total wrecks for the first hour or so, stuttering our words, sweating profusely. One of the first few things he said was “You look nice”. Then a few moments later he asks me why do I look like I’m going to a funeral. The real Fuad started to show.

We saw Bad Neighbours innocently in the theater. He asked for permission to put his hand on my thigh. It was the sweetest thing. We went to the MBS rooftop aka my happy place and sat there for awhile telling each other stories. Like all the amazing days, we didn’t want it to end. We dragged out the date until the next day. He sent me to toa payoh where we sat till about 5 in the morning, just talking. When I tell people the story of our first date, no one believes me when I say we didn’t do anything naughty. We really didn’t. We just talked. It was the best date ever. I slept that day with the biggest smile on my face. Woke up around noon with a text message from him asking if I’d like to hang out again. I’m like hell yeah. We hung out again that day, till 7am.


27th May 2014

The rest of our story is a whirlwind. It doesn’t feel like it but 3 days ago, that wonderful first date was 2 whole years ago. Since then, I’ve traveled more than I did in my 25 years before him. I’ve seen and learned so much. I’ve cried and loved so much.

I still feel the butterflies when he hugs me unexpectedly, or kisses me on the forehead in the morning. I still adore his wittiness and still think he’s a brilliant arsehole.

I love that he gives me shit when I’m being unreasonable. I love that we can fight and be okay within an hour. I’m in love with him, and for once, I’m not afraid to be.

Part 3: Aren’t you glad that’s over?

With all that being said, I just want to make it a point to reconfirm my coming out, as Tinderella (fuck that sounds weird). Not all tinder stories end up like mine but once in a blue moon, life throws you one. We can’t have this stigma forever. It’s the generation we live in. If you met someone at a bar and you exchange numbers, wouldn’t the getting to know each other bit still happen over text message? I’m just saying if you put it out there that you’re out to get sex, you will probably get sex. But if you put your real self out there, with the best of intentions, eventually, the universe will respond kindly.

How ever my relationship turns out, I’m glad this was my story. Can’t really say it’s typical. I’m just glad he didn’t turn out to be a serial killer or something. Jeez.


28 05 2016

I feel so blessed every single time he smiles at me. What a god send this child is. He has made our lives so much more beautiful. I have never felt so protective and unconditional love for anyone more than this miniature human. Proudest Tia in the world!


The first time I got to hold him

Kat Von D’s Liquid Lipstick

9 12 2015

Beautiful packaging and amazing texture. I’m so incredible excited about this purchase 😍


So Freaking Beautiful

8 12 2015

Decal fun!