The Magic

13 11 2017

My story has been repeated countless times. To my closest friends, and also to strangers that became new ones. It has always been “isn’t he crazy?” and “can you believe what an asshole he is?” Afiqah introduced me to a few friends of hers that have all have recently been out of love. All of us have different stories but what we had in common was that we were all heartbroken over someone. It’s been so helpful talking to it to people who somewhat understand the pain. Somehow I still feel like I don’t belong in the “Lonely Hearts” group because I don’t feel this way. I don’t feel like I’ve lost the love of my life like they have.

Certain song lyrics do trigger pain, hurt, and anger.

“It’s like a slap in the face how quickly how I was replaced.” – You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette

“I know you well enough to know you never loved me” Cute Without The E – Taking Back Sunday

“Every heart break makes it hard to keep the faith.” Million Reasons by Lady Gaga

“You stare at the phone, he still hasn’t called and you feel so low you can’t feel nothing at all and you flashback to when we said forever and always.” – Forever and Always by Taylor Swift

Out of everyone, I had the numbers. Everyone’s relationship lasted months and mine was a little over 3 years. Everyone expects me to be the worst of them all but most seem surprised at how well I’ve been. I don’t feel the need to cyber stalk him. I don’t keep anything sentimental for “just in case we get back together”. Deleted every single photo. I already cringe reading my blog post fresh off the break up. Because to be honest, I wrote that for him. I wanted him to read it and regret everything. I wanted him to change his mind. I wanted so badly to salvage it.

Truth is, I’m not completely okay. My heart still aches for him. I still think about him. About our time together. Our travels. My fingers sometimes type out his name on facebook when I see something funny or cute that I’d usually tag him on. I remember the touch of his hands, the arch of his back, the texture of his hair.

But all of that were just physical memories. I spent a lot of time with this person. He was a companion. I do believe I felt some kind of love for him, but I’m not sure it’s really what I thought it was.

We didn’t share our deepest darkest secrets with each other. He’d cringe at any real thoughtful or genuine conversation we had. He didn’t like holding hands. I love holding hands. He didn’t like hugs. I give good hugs. Our kisses didn’t linger. I didn’t feel butterflies. Saddest one of it all, I to this day, don’t know how he likes his coffee.

A memory I had of us was in bali. I remember it so vividly. The hotel staff asked us what drinks we wanted that morning. He asked for coffee. “I didn’t know you drank coffee?” I said. He replies, “I drink it everyday before work.” It was a passing conversation but somehow that stayed with me. We had been together over 2 years at this point and I didn’t know this very basic thing about him. I wrote in a previous blog about getting to know so many details about a person’s life when you’re in a relationship and how that all goes to shit after you break up. Somehow in the 3 years we were together, we barely touched the surface of getting to know each other. I tried in the beginning but he was never interested to get to know me so I gave up getting to know him too. We were just bad for each other.

So here I am at 2:30 in the morning, feeling guilty. All this while I’ve been calling him an asshole, for leaving me. My biggest fear was that he was pretending to love me. That he didn’t mean anything he said. It’s probably true but I’m realising that my biggest insecurity was that he felt for me, the way I felt for him. I was trying so hard to make it love. I romanticised everything we did so it’d look like we had it. This crazy little thing called love. I fantasised about it so much, and I finally had a vessel to live out that fantasy with. Unfortunately, it was so forced and unnatural. He wasn’t a sunset kinda guy. He wasn’t a roses kinda guy. The only times I ever remember really liking him was when he was drunk. He would be very sweet to me when he had alcohol in his system. It’s weird.

We’ve sat together, watching the beauty of the universe. We’ve kissed as the skies turned purple. It was so magical. In theory.

But I didn’t feel the magic in my heart. I really wanted to.

His sister once said to me “You know he really loves you. I know my brother and I’ve never seen him this in love with anyone.” I can’t remember how this conversation started but I remember feeling panic. I don’t think I responded anything verbally but I think she may have caught on. It’s not what you’re suppose to feel when someone says something like that. Remembering that he’s only sweet drunk kinda sticks a pin in my heart a little because I’m afraid what people say about drunk people are true. That its when their true unfiltered feelings come out. : / But then again, his sister is kinda full of shit too so I’m hoping it’s the case for this one.

Because now I sit here feeling guilty. I remember that day when we were fine until I ran into an old guy friend of mine. He looked so good and I found myself thinking, “why didn’t I end up with him instead?”. I cried myself to sleep that night because I felt like I was cheating on him. When in reality, I was honest with myself for the first time in awhile and it scared the living shit out of me. I felt like I was betraying him.

I still stand by my thoughts of him as an asshole. What he did post break up is simply unforgivable. And pretty fucking psychotic if I’m being honest. No matter how we may or may not have not loved each other, I still showed him respect. I never cheated on him when he may have cheated on me. I didn’t try to move on too quickly like how he’s moving on quickly. I never tried to hurt him like how he’s tried to hurt me.

But I also never felt for him like how he may have felt for me.

I miss being in a relationship, but I’m glad I’m not a hypocrite and a liar anymore. It’s a lot better being alone than constantly trying to convince yourself you’re happy.

“I’m an addict for dramatics. I confuse the two for love.”
Liar liar – Taking Back Sunday

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I Am Tired

3 10 2016

There were days where things would just fall right into place.Stressing over things before I really need to; fixing things that aren’t broken. I’ve always trained my brain to do as such. It’s the worst habit I have. Somehow, my fears didn’t manifest itself. I’ve been lucky but never ungrateful. I show gratitude to the universe, thank my lucky stars every time.

But when the strong winds bring about the dark clouds, I’m never truly prepared. No matter how I worry things to death, it still hits me like a brick. They all come about at once. All my petty little problems manifests itself into something bigger.

I think about doing things. Very bad things.

How can I say forever and always all this time but within a day, think maybe otherwise. Within an instant with no warning my brain tells me to just quit. Did I lie to myself? Is that possible? Maybe I’ve kept resentment in my heart and today was the day it was at its brink. It just shuts off.

Worst of it all is I feel no sadness. I feel no anger. I just feel… tired.

Just. Very tired.





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The first time I got to hold him





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Beautiful packaging and amazing texture. I’m so incredible excited about this purchase 😍

   
    
   





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Decal fun!

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